I had a crush on a girl. It was going great.

I was playing it cool, we’d joke around, and most importantly I wasn’t doing what all the other guys were doing: obsessing over her.

But then something happened…

Seemingly overnight, my focus shifted.

I went from focusing on my purpose - my objective in life - to focusing on an outcome with this woman.

The result?

Where I was spontaneous, I had become calculated. Where I was relaxed, I had become tense. Where I was grounded, my energy had become anxious and frantic.

By trying to control her perception of me and how our interactions should go, I lost control entirely. I made it less about the journey and more about the destination. I had become attached to the outcome, rather than the person standing in front of me.

Paradoxically, the tighter we hold onto something, the more likely it is to slip out of our hands.

I was trying to hold on so tight to what I thought was the wheel holding the ship when in reality: the sea is in control of the tide.

My impulse for control blinded me to her and I went stumbling in the wrong direction looking for answers.

This is how we lose the girl…lose the money…lose the promotion.

Why does this happen?

This happens because our focus is attached to the result: something outside of our control.

With a small tug, the curtain falls from behind Oz to reveal a man, fumbling with levers and pyrotechnics.

⛵ The Art of Sailing

There is an ancient Chinese concept called: Wu Wei

Wu = Not

Wei = Action/Making/Forcing

Wu Wei = the principle of not forcing

When we watch a performance, whether it be a musician or an actor or a dancer, we know immediately when it is forced. We see through the mask and know it’s fake.

It’s rigid. It’s artificial. It doesn’t ring true.

This, I imagine, is how that girl felt about me.

I went from natural & authentic → forced & premeditated

When we are too preoccupied with performance, we lose authenticity. When we are too concerned with thought, we forget action. When we are too attached to outcome, we miss the present moment.

This does not mean that we shouldn't take action. Rather, it means to take action at the right time...To apply the right amount of force at exactly the moment that it's required.

But how does this all tie together?

⚔ The Gordian Knot

Alexander the Great, a king of Macedonia, encountered the Gordian Knot, a complex knot tied to an ox-cart in the city of Gordium.

An oracle had predicted that whoever untied the knot would rule Asia.

Alexander tried to untie it, but after struggling for some time, he drew his sword and cut the knot, claiming that he had found a solution.

This act became known as "cutting the Gordian knot" and symbolized an unconventional solution to a difficult problem.

Alexander went on to conquer much of the known world, fulfilling the prophecy in his own way.

✂ Cutting the Knot

The way in which you cut the knot of control is to shift your focus.

When we shift our focus from outcome to intention, we cut the rope connecting reality to expectation. We let go and make space for the natural ebb and flow of life to occur.

This requires presence.

It also requires a willingness to face the unknown and an openness to enjoying the journey of life.

Whenever I become preoccupied with destinations, I forget about the journey it takes to get there. I want to skip the steps. I want to take the shortcut.

The musician doesn’t rush to the last note. The author doesn’t rush to the last word. The lover doesn’t rush to the climax.

Instead, I should do the following:

1) Decide what you want

Going with the flow of life and letting go of control doesn’t mean not wanting anything. Rather it means knowing what you want, but realizing the means of getting there won’t always be clear to see.

2) Determine what kind of person you need to achieve that result

If I want to be good with women, what kind of person do I need to accomplish that?

Here are a few things that come to mind:

• A good conversationalist

• Bold & confident

• A leader

3) Shift your focus

Now that I know what kind of person I need to be (or what attributes I must adopt), I can shift my focus to something that I can control.

Instead of: I want this conversation to go well so that this girl will like me

I can say: My intention is to have fun and learn as much as I can so that I’ll become a better conversationalist and am more likely to have success with women in the future

You can change your focus to whatever you want, but the key is to shift from:

Outcome → Intention

Common advice people give in these types of situations are often:

• Don’t think so much

• Relax

• Stop overthinking

How often have you been told these things and achieved the exact opposite?

An unconventional solution to a difficult problem is to reverse it. Have fun with this. If you’ve set an intention and are still having doubts, tell yourself something like: I want to get rejected as soon as possible.

They don’t call it doing music, they call it playing music.

Treat your life like one big symphony. Play it. And play it all the way.

Tendentum Manus Ripae Ulterioris Amore,

Mike Miller