Have you ever started something new only to give up when things got hard?

I have...

Many times.

Because here's the truth of the matter:

Every time you attempt something new, whether it's working toward a new goal, installing a new belief, or trying a new method or process - you're going to have to endure a period of suffering.

This is the no man's land of self-improvement: the phase of suffering.

The problem?

It doesn't seem to end. It's like this perpetual fog that clouds your judgment, your vision of what's to come, and any hope of getting better.

It's this uncomfortable phase that has hindered me many times in the past. The discomfort present in this phase tends to bring up a lot of inner resistance.

It's typically accompanied by questions like:

• Am I enough?

• Will I ever figure this out?

• When does the pain of this end?

It could be towards something superficial like when I was learning how to play Mario Kart or something more tangible, like asking out a girl I've been crushing on for a while.

Regardless of the what, the resistance (often taking many different forms) has often deterred me from continuing down the path; the exact antidote to the problem.

You see, it's a cycle of suffering that plays out in the mind and body.

Rick Doblin, founder of MAPS & a psychedelic pioneer, put it well in his most recent appearance on the JRE:

It's a cycle of:

• 'I'm not as good as I should be'...

• 'I wish I could let go'...

• 'I do have these emotions of fear'…

Broken down further:

There's a connection between wanting to be perfect (not wanting to be human); being super self-critical; and that leads to self-hatred & shutting yourself down.

“I was being crucified on the cross of self-perfectionism” - Rick Doblin

The Reality of Suffering

Suffering is necessary.

It takes a certain level of suffering to triumph over any worthwhile goal; to persevere through the trials & tribulations along the journey.

But what is to be avoided along the way is to beat yourself up - to criticize and hate yourself for your flawed nature of being human - that you fail to continue through the phase of discovery.

If whenever you attempt something, you fall prey to this vicious cycle...it's no wonder you don’t persevere until you inevitably find some modicum of success.

The resistance that I felt was really the result of resisting my humanity; of wanting to be perfect.

In my attempt for perfection (and control), I was trying to warp reality to my own twisted delusions of what 'perfect' was.

This is an impossible task. Quite literally.

You must chip away at the parts of yourself that no longer serve you and where you're going while simultaneously encouraging yourself & treating yourself as you would a friend.

The Antidote to Suffering

As mentioned before, when I first started playing Mario Kart I experienced a form of suffering. I sucked ass. I was really really bad.

It was frustrating because I wanted to win really really bad. I was transfixed on the fantasy of beating my opponent. I was so concerned with the result, that I forgot it was a game that was supposed to be fun.

The same thing happened with a girl I had a crush on:

The more pressure I put on myself to "make a move" and control the results of the interaction in some way, the less it went in my favor & the more I screwed up.

Every time I made plans for how things were supposed to go, they never worked out that way.

Here are 5 steps to end the suffering:

1. Identify Your Goal - What is the Ideal End Result?

What goal aligns with the vision you have for your future reality?

• Status

• Money

• A relationship

Hell, maybe it's as simple as winning "The Grand Prix" on Rainbow Road

2. Forget the Goal and Shift Your Focus from Result to Process

Instead of focusing on getting to your destination, focus on the journey.

Sounds corny, right?

It is. But it's also effective. When I focused less on winning and more on getting better with every race I accomplished two things:

1. I got better

2. I had more fun

This combination sealed my fate...I started winning...a lot.

3. Accept Your Suffering

Accept that this phase is a prerequisite for growth.

Everyone more successful than you in any given endeavor - any of the mentors & role models you look up to - has achieved success in proportion to the amount of suffering and sacrifice they've endured.

Realize:

"I'm going to suck at this until I don't"

4. Be a Friend To Yourself

If we're to break the cycle of self-hatred that often accompanies suffering, we need to learn how to be friends with ourselves.

Know when to hold 'em & know when to fold 'em

Be kind to yourself; learn what makes you tick & makes you curious about the things around you; and coach yourself like a drill sergeant when you know you've been fucking around too much.

This is what it means to befriend yourself. You're with yourself all your life, anyways. Might as well learn how to enjoy the ride with you.

5. Lean Into Your Uniqueness

This goes hand in hand with the last point, but as you learn more about yourself you'll learn how to navigate things in a more advantageous way.

For example, I learned recently that I have the most fun when I'm being completely spontaneous and present; talking with no filter and letting my mind (and mouth) explore ideas when I have no idea where they're going.

This practice has often created the most magic for me, as it's not what you say, but how you say it. Try it. Your energy might just be contagious.

In closing, you want to keep the self-criticism in the cycle as this is what drives quality. But if it's connected to self-hatred you won't listen as much, so you want to sever the connection between self-criticism & self-hatred.

Accept yourself as a flawed human being that has a lot of room to grow AND make an ally and friend out of the self-critical part of your brain.

See you in the next one.

Cheers,

Mike